Kathy Maloney Mathieu

The word became clear when I woke up in the morning.  Like the writing of a magic marker slowly becoming legible.  Resentment.  I didn’t know it is what I’d felt for so many years.  Like a dirty filter that colors every experience, thought and feeling, it puts a little shade of bitterness into everything and it sets us apart from experiencing life at full power.  It also stops the outflow of any goodness that might come from inside going to others.  Like a barrier, it holds the wall strong from loving expression and gracious receiving.

It’s a sneaky little thing, resentment.  It doesn’t show itself by its real name.  It doesn’t proudly announce itself but rather it hides in ‘poor me’, ‘why me’, ‘it’s unfair’, ‘why doesn’t anyone care’, ‘why them and not me”.  Like a sulky child with arms crossed firmly, it looks out at the world and feeds itself on its own injustice.

How did I recognize it in myself? 

I wasn’t feeling good and I asked to see what was in the way at that moment. 

My husband is the happiest person I have ever met.  He sings, hums, he’s curious, spontaneous and playful and always jumps in on the fun that’s around him or more often, he creates the spark of fun.  I found myself looking at him with resentment.  How can he be so lighthearted when we’re in the middle of this unknown place in our lives?  Why does he get to be the one who doesn’t worry?  There I was, feeding my resentment with thoughts of injustice.  It did not feel good at all.  But at the moment I couldn’t see what I was creating.  After all, I am the one that has always had to worry and take care of things, I am the one that…..  

I watch as my husband sings through the isles of the market choosing the groceries that he will cook, picks the wine to accompany each dish and I he takes care of the banking appointments, our rental car, setting up our internet, getting a telephone and changing all the light fixtures in this house.  He even hangs and hems the brand new curtains!  And he does it all with enthusiasm and not an ounce of resentment.  And there’s me, dragging my feet, and feeling miserable.

I had the condition in past relationship too; easy-going, nice guys that didn’t take anything too seriously.  I blamed him them for my burden of responsibility. 

And the resentment continued.  It grew a thicker armor.  

Even though I tell myself that my life is incredible, amazing and I am blessed to the bone, this insidious dark coat continued to show up.

I looked up the meaning of resentment:  bitter indignation at having been treated unfairly. Bitterness, irritation, pique, displeasure, dissatisfaction, disgruntlement, discontentment, resentfulness, bad feelings, hard feelings, ill feelings, acrimony, rancor, animosity, hostility, jaundice, antipathy, antagonism, enmity, hatred, envy, jealousy, malice, ill will, grudge, grievance, a chip on one’s shoulder, ire.

That is a full list.  I’ve felt all of those at times.  To think that I choose to pump poison into my own veins gives me a wake up call.  Resentment isn’t something that is a result of something that was “done” to me.  It’s not “the right” to feel resentment that eases the torture that it creates.  There could be a million reasons to justify feeling resentment, but ultimately it’s a choice.  It’s a choice to grow love or not.  It requires calling it out from the darkness, out of hiding and identifying it by name and seeing it for what it is.  We can do that without beating ourselves up even more.  It’s a false friend parading to keep us from our power to see the truth.  It pretends to care, to nurture and lure us into feeling special.  But what it really does is separate and divide.  It isolates.  It makes us small.  That is its power.  It wraps its fingers around our spirit and it grows in the shadows, in blame and in the darkness.

Being witness to resentment is the elixir.  Acknowledging its low vibration can dissolve it in its tracks.   Being kind to myself when I see it in me stops its ability to invite itself in. When it sneaks in I ask myself “does it feel good to expand this feeling?  Does it uplift or inspire me?” 

By acknowledging and accepting resentment in myself, I can leave room for curiosity, creativity and fun.  So for now I say come on in old friend.

When it appears I try not to judge myself too harshly.  Matt Kahn says “Choose to be here.  You may not like the circumstances but choose to be here and whatever arises, love that.”  It’s good to know we have help when we stumble. 

I silently celebrate the moments when I see it and it makes me stronger, even though I stumble.  In any moment I can make the choice how I want to feel and I know it affects more than just me.  I know I am not alone in this and I am helping to clear resentment in others as well.

I am grateful to have the gift of awareness and to grow each day (although sometimes even though I live in this paradise, it does not feel like a blessing) and to help anchor conscious love on the planet.

And in-between moments of frustration, bliss, sadness, acceptance, glee, happiness, isolation, more acceptance and fascination with what I get to live, I garden, watch brilliant sunsets, do the laundry, feed the fish, visit the beach and enjoy the warmth of the Mediterranean sun shining down on my smiling face… oh, and don’t forget eating lots of smelly cheese, fresh-baked baguettes and sipping afternoon rosé on the terrace contemplating this ongoing adventure that is life.